What Do I Do When a Massage Client Won't Relax?

Early in my career (think 20 years ago... meep!) I had a client who kept guarding every time I tried to touch her lower back. So what that meant is that every time I moved past her bra line, her shoulders would tense, and so would her glutes. I spent most of that hour making the mistake of trying to kind of  force the tension out of her. Im embarrassed to say that I dug in harder, and worked longer on the same spots, telling her to “relax” (cringe) and I told myself that I just knew I could make her relax. Well you guessed it, she left about as tense as she arrived, if not more, and I felt kind of weird and gross afterwards.

Luckily, she came back because she liked the deep work everywhere else, and I got to really learn about a body in trauma and what to do. What I understand now, and what took me an embarrassingly long time to learn, is that you cannot force a nervous system to stand down. But, you can make it feel safe enough to do so on its own. Thus began my journey on honing my skills in trauma informed work, and it has been passion ever since. I have been learning and developing techniques to help client’s move from stress to safety for over a decade now, and I wanted to share with you some techniques that really work.

Start with the breath

The breath is where I always begin, because it is the one part of the autonomic nervous system a person can consciously reach, and it gives the client something to do other than brace. I actually start every session face up, and with hands-on breathwork. I place my hands on their chest and belly, and ask for a slow breath in through the nose and a longer, unhurried breath out through the mouth, and if it helps to give them a count, I will suggest something like breathing in for four and out for six. The longer exhale is the part that matters most, because the research on slow breathing is reasonably consistent that a longer exhalation nudges the nervous system toward its calmer, parasympathetic side, indexed through measures like heart rate variability. I find that within a few minutes, a subtle shift happens and has transformed my sessions and my clients’ bodies.

The other side of this is what you do with your own breathing. People unconsciously match the rhythm around them, so I slow my own breath down and let it be a little audible, and I time my strokes (and my own breath)  to move with their exhale rather than their inhale. It ends up becoming this almost hypnotic rhythm that becomes a foundation for the sessions, when well practised.

Slow down and ease off the pressure

When a client is guarding, and the muscles are tensed,  the most common instinct (for me atleast)  is to go harder into the tissue that will not release, and it is almost always the wrong to do. Guarding is frequently a response to too much, too fast, so the fix tends to be the LIGHTEN UP and SLOW DOWN. I slow my pace down further than usual, sometimes even coming to a full stop and doing a still point, and then I modulate my pressure based on feedback from the muscle tension and breath. So I lighten or deepen my pressure based on how the client’s body responds. THe last and arguably most important aspect that is almost always overlooked in any of the trainings I have done is to become predictable, even to the point of talking the client through what comes next. Because a nervous system that can anticipate what is coming has far less reason to brace against it. The brain is always asking “is this safe or dangerous” in the subconscious background of literally everything in life, and it upregulates pain and tension when it isn’t sure, or feels unsafe. It can feel counterintuitive to back off when you want a result, but a slow, steady, unhurried stroke will often glean more release out of a tense client than the deep work you might be tempted to reach for.

Compression and release

For a client who cannot settle into gliding strokes, I often switch to broad, slow compression, because it is easy for the body to predict, and therefore to trust. I sink in gradually with a forearm, closed fist, or a flat palm, I wait at a comfortable depth until I feel the tissue soften rather than resist me, and then I release slowly rather than lifting off all at once. Then without losing contact, I repeat it. I call this technique “washing” the muscle.  That pairing of a slow hold and a gradual release gives the client’s nervous system a clear, simple signal, and broad contact is far less alarming to any body  than sharp, specific pressure to one small point. When repeated a few times over a region, this rhythm of pressure and release will do the heavy lifting  to create space, movement, and relief in an area.

Traction and gentle rocking

Like I stated above, rhythmic movement is one of the most reliable tools I have for a body that will not stop bracing, because neurologically, it is practically impossible to keep guarding against a slow, predictable oscillation. I will take gentle traction on an arm or a leg to give a sense of length and space, and I will rock a region like  the ribcage, the pelvis, or the muscles of the thigh,and inevitably the area lets go. The point is not to be vigorous, but to think about rocking a baby to sleep, since a repeating, unthreatening motion tends to lull the guarding response in a way that static pressure cannot. Many clients who cant get  a muscle to soften under direct work will start to release almost in spite of themselves once you give them a rhythm to rock with (cue the music puns).

Use a little humor

Sometimes a client will say it out loud, something like, I know, I am terrible at this, I just cannot relax. That self-consciousness is itself a form of tension and guarding, because they feel they are failing at the one thing they came here to do, and that pressure to perform keeps them wound up. This is the moment for a little warmth and a light touch of humor, delivered with them and never at their expense. I will reassure them that “there is no grade at the end”, or that they “don’t get a discount for helping”, and that their only job is to keep breathing and let me do the rest. Addressing their need for control  with gentle humor and taking the performance basis out of it often loosens things that no manual technique can, and a small shared laugh discharges more tension than people expect.

When they still don’t let go

I want to close by saying that some clients will not fully relax no matter what you do, and that is okay. This is not a failure on your part. You should not be trying to force an outcome, (I promise it doesn’t work. The tens of thousands of client’s I have worked with will tell you so). You are creating the conditions for relaxation, but some people’s nervous systems need to see you many times before their nervous system learns that it can trust and let go. A client who leaves a little less braced than they arrived has had a good session, even if they never reached the puddle of mushy calm bliss you were hoping for, and the same person may get much more on their third or fourth visit simply because the room and your touch has become familiar, predictable and therefore safe. 

If you are a newer therapist or a student, I want to point out that most of what I have described here is rarely if ever, taught with any depth in an entry level program, which is exactly the gap I am building both the massage therapy program at Hudson County Community College and my continuing education courses to fil in those gaps for those that are already licensed. If you want more information on courses please follow the link to my classes. And if you are an experienced therapist who has developed your own ways of working with the client who cannot let go, I would love to hear them, because this is the kind of knowledge we need to share